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letters Dear People of the Neighborhood, Have you seen this cat? It has the eyes of a cat that has seen far too much and answers to the name "Muffin." It has been missing for five years, but I have reason to believe it's immortal. Please do not feed it, for it eats only darkness. Dear Local Action News Team, Do you take requests? I would like to see more uplifting feature stories that share positive images and less segments about the crimes that I have committed. Viewers are tired of all the sad stories I am directly responsible for. Dear Old Man Seaweed, Thank you for lunch this afternoon. My favorite part? The crackers and cheese. Whatever was the name of that splendid cheese? I hope you didn't find my questions intrusive. I have one more: Have you ever been in love? Dear Chocolate Puffs Cereal, I love your product but I fear your mascot. Peter the Puff Pig is clearly insane. His painted smile on the box is an obstacle I must overcome every time I prepare breakfast Please just send me your delicious product in a clear plastic bag. Dear Police, Congratulations! You've won a free trip to Fiji! All you have to do is leave immediately and ask no follow-up questions. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Just ignore your ongoing investigations and get on a plane!